My Obligatory Oscars Recap

I was iffy about Seth MacFarlane hosting. When the opening included William Shatner and an unfunny, sexist song about boobs – I knew we were in for a long night. Some of those scenes where the actresses showed their breasts were rape scenes, so that’s, like, totally weird. I’m all for sexism (or racism or homophobia) in comedy as long as it’s actually funny. Sally Field was cute in the pre-taped bit with MacFarlane dressed up as a flying nun. She was sweet, made me laugh, and, most importantly, projected how mildly annoying it was to interact with the host of the evening. He won’t be asked back, mark my words.

The first interesting character to win an award was Lucious Malfoy, who, apparently, after leaving Hogwarts became a cinematographer. Good for you, Malfoy, but could ya stop doing so much cocaine?

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Lucious Malfoy from the Harry Potter series.

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Claudio Miranda, winner of Best Cinematography for “Life of Pi”.

The theme music from Jaws was overboard. It kills me to see the smaller awards get shooed off the stage. Equal stage time!! I would have loved to have heard what Inocente Izucar, the homeless artist who was the subject of the Best Documentary, had to say, but the co-director Sean Fine was attacked by a shark before he could get a chance to let her speak. At least he was able to squeak out a tiny, but important, speech – “We want to thank this young lady who was homeless just a year ago and now she’s standing in front of all of you,” he said. “She’s an artist and all of you are artists and we feel like we need to start supporting the arts. They’re dying in our communities. And all of us artists, we need to stand up and help girls like her be seen and heard. It’s so important. Thank you.”

07-anne-hathaway-sag-awards-2013-640x480Just before the ceremony, I asked my Facebook friends “Would you rather listen to Anne Hathaway give an acceptance speech OR be swallowed by a whale and left to slowly decompose?” Everyone picked the whale. Her well-rehearsed speech felt disingenuous. “It came true!”, she said while tossing out soft, breathless exaltations. She deserved the award. She was fantastic in “Les Miserables”. I just wished the orchestra would have thrown a shark in her face. Now shush and go spike a vein full of heroin with Kristen Stewart backstage and chill the eff out. (Seriously, though – I loved Kristen’s new radiant energy! Glad to see her back to her cheerful self!)

85th Annual Academy Awards press room

Jennifer Lawrence is a delight. Ben Affleck is a likable person, but not the best actor and “Argo” is forgettable. The night was too long. Why was Kristen Chenowith singing during the credits? Is this the Tonys? Why was “Chicago” all over the place? Shirley Bassey killed it. My favorite quote of the evening was “I love me some batshit crazy Quentin Tarantino.” – Quentin Tarantino.

The end.

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